Title: When Choices Are Lost
Author: DiorNicole & I Love JaSam 2
Characters: Sayid, Shannon, Ben, Nadia, & Oceanic 6
Rating: PG -13
Disclaimer: Lost is owned by: J.J., Damon Lindelof, Touchstone & ABC. No money being made, but after the work my co-author & beta put into this project, I’ll own them money.
Spoilers: Season 1 – 4
Summary: When Choices Are Lost, What Will A Man Do To Get Them Back? (Sayid - Centric)
LOST ~ LOST ~ LOST ~ LOST ~ LOST ~ LOST ~ LOST
Chapter 1 (Sayid POV)
“Shannon?” If it wasn’t for the exam table I would have fallen to the floor.
She’s not real! I keep saying over and over to myself. I buried her with my own two hands. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
“I’m real. Well, as real as a dead person can be.” Shannon says with a flip of her hair.
“How did you know what I was thinking? No, don’t answer that. You are not real.”
I close my eyes tightly and hope that when I open them she’s gone. I sigh. When I open them she’s standing right in front of me, reaching her hand out towards my face. I move at the last minute and she pinches me. “That hurt!” She’s real. “You’re real!”
“I told you that I was real!” she said, her arms across her chest.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I do a little of both. “Shannon? Is that really you?”
“I thought we had established those facts,” she says and rolls her eyes. Death sure hasn’t affected her sharp tongue.
“Hey, watch it buddy! I came a long way to see you.” She crossed her arms and gave me that look she was famous for in life.
“You’re dead. You can’t be here.”
The combination of crossed arms and foot tapping is telling me that I’m pissing off my dead girlfriend. Did I just say ‘My Dead Girlfriend’? I’m glad I’m sitting down.
“You know some people would be happy to see their dead girlfriend but not you. After everything you’ve see and done, is this really so hard to believe?” she says. She looks at me, awaiting an answer—or apparently a thought.
Maybe she right. I did see Walt and many things on that island that I can’t explain…but I’ve lost a lot of blood today. I’m hallucinating. Shannon’s not here.
“You are not hallucinating!” She said, perfectly pronouncing each word. “You haven’t loss that much blood. Stop acting like a big baby!”
“I am not acting like a big baby.” No, if anything death has made her tongue even sharper.
“It sure has. You want to try me?” I forgot she somehow knows what I’m thinking now, a perk of death, or a curse. I look at her cautiously. “What are you doing here?”
Her face softens and she sits down next to me. I try not to flinch but she still sees me. Shannon tries to keep the hurt from showing on her face but she could never hide such things from me it was another thing that death made sharper.
Instead of answering me she starts picking at her nail polish. I never thought the dead would wear nail polish. If anybody could find a way it would be Shannon. For the first time since she appeared she seems at a loss for words. No, she’s speaking; I just can’t hear her.
“Shannon, I can not hear you.”
“You have to go back.”
My eyes meet hers. She searched mine and I looked away. Anything she’d ask of me I’d do. But of all the things I imagined it was not that.
“I know you don’t want to Sayid…” How I missed the way she says my name. She looked at me. “I miss how you say mine to.”
After I really take the time to think about what she said I snap, “Why me?”
She snaps right back, “Why not you?” I forgot I do not intimidate her.
I look at her again. She’s still so beautiful. “I am sorry,” I say. And I am sorry for so many things.
“Yea well, I’m sorry too,” she mumbles under her breath.
A warm smile spreads across her face. I know I’m not going to like her next words. “You have to go back.” For some reason I believe her.
“There are things that you have to do first but you’ll know when the time is right,” she says.
She just shrugs her shoulders. “You’ll find out when you’re ready.”
I gather all my courage and wrap my arm around her. As soon as she in my arms again all the memories come rushing back. I’ve missed her so much. “I love you. I never stop loving you.”
Shannon stands and grins at me, “You know the last time you told me you love me I got shot.”
“Well, that is one way of looking at it.” I grin back at her. I know I look like a fool.
“Well, it’s time for me to go.” The smile instantly falls from my face. Not again. I don’t want her to go. “You said I wasn’t real so what difference does it make?” That makes me smile again. “It’s just for a little while. I’ll see you soon.”
She moves toward the door, then stops and gives me a stern look. “And we will be having a little talk about your recent activities!”
“What activities?” She just laughs and keeps on walking.
I look up when I hear her voice. “Hey, you know I love you right?” She blows me a kiss and walks through the door not waiting for my answer.
“Yes, I do.”
LOST ~ LOST ~ LOST ~ LOST ~ LOST ~ LOST ~ LOST ~ LOST
Malibu Beach Inn ~ Malibu, CA: Three Days Later
I’m standing on the balcony of my Hotel room, looking out at the ocean watching the sun rise. After everything I’ve done Allāh still lets me see such beauty. The ocean will always make me think of Shannon.
Today is a good day to take her flowers. Rose’s maybe. I can’t believe I saw her. My brain keeps telling me she wasn’t real but my heart tells a completely different story.
I turn and look around my room. She’s not there but I already knew this. I laugh to myself what would I have done if she was there.
Turning back around I start thinking about seeing Shannon. Why now after all this time. Why must I go back to the island? This thought instantly puts me in a bad mood.
My thoughts are interrupted by the ringing of my phone. I know who it is before I answer. “What?”
“Is that anyway to answer the phone, when a friend is calling?” His voice was hard, despite his cover of friendliness. He was my boss.
“I’ll let you know when a friend call’s me. What do you want Ben?”
“Is it done?”
The same question time and time again. “Yes, it’s done.” I truly hate this man. It’s not for the first time I wonder how I ended up here. “Is there anything else?”
“I’ll be in touch in a week.” Good, I have a week to be with her. “Going to see her today?”
That makes me pause. No one knows that I visit her. “What are you talking about?”
“For someone who did not know Boone for long you sure visit his grave a lot.” I should not be surprise he knows. “Did you forget I know the truth, Sayid?” I hope he doesn’t expect an answer. “Your secret is safe with me. One week.” And then I hear the dial tone.
I slowly walk back to the balcony hoping that will restore my good mood.
LOST ~ Post-Island Flashback ~ LOST
3 Weeks After Rescue
“Sayid, are you ready? It’s an hour and a half ride to the memorial service.”
“Yes, I am ready.” I wish I could tell her the truth. I wasn’t ready then and I’m not ready now.
“Are you sure you’re ok? You have not been yourself since you found out about the Memorial service for Boone and his sister,” she said softly.
“It’s just brings back everything we went through.” I hope Nadia would let it go.
“Okay, Sayid. When you are ready we can talk about it.”
“Thank you.” I kissed her lightly on her check. I couldn’t even begin to start telling her the truth. It’s just one of the many secrets that I’d carry with me to my grave.
Malibu Memorial Garden Cemetery
“We’re here.” I must have been distracted. A whole car ride gone and I was none the wiser. I looked up and saw Hurley with Jack and Kate holding Aaron. I saw the same guilt in there eyes that I also carried with me. But there something else there that I can’t put my finger on.
I was pulled from my thoughts when Nadia put something in my hands. I looked down and there are two bunches of flowers. “I knew you were distracted so I picked those up for you.”
I look at the flowers in my hands and asked, “Why two?”
“I know you didn’t know Boone’s sister but I thought it would be nice to also put something on her grave.” I did not deserve this woman. If she knew the truth would she still be with me? “Let’s go; your friends are waiting for us.” Each step I took was heavier than the last as we approached the small group.
“Hello.” I said softly, too many words could’ve been bad.
Jack was the first to speak. “Nadia, Sayid, I wish we were seeing each other under better circumstances.” There really was not much to say. I just wanted this day to be over.
“Let’s go dudes.” Hurley said. It was a reminder of reality, of why we were there.
We walked away and Jack called my name. “Sayid.” The rest of the group kept walking but I turned around to see what he wanted.
“I know this has to be hard on you, Sayid.”
“We choose the cover story, Jack. We can’t take it back now.”
“I’m sorry I never thought…”
I cut him off. “Jack, stop! I won’t do this with you now. Let’s just get this over with okay?”
I turned and started walking until I reached the people that stood at the two tombstones. There only about 30 people today, less than I would have thought.
“Is everything ok?” I jumped slightly at the sound of her voice.
“Yes.” The service started shortly after.
I tuned everything out. I had to so I could make it through. I was standing there at Boone and Shannon’s Memorial service, acting as if I never knew her. Never saw her smiling face. Never loved her. A women’s voice pulled me from my thoughts. It was Sabrina.
“People asked me when we first heard about the plane crash, why aren’t you having a Memorial Service for your children? I told people ‘my children aren’t dead. They’re coming home and I’ll be able to yell at Shannon for making me worry.’ It was all her fault they were on the plane anyway. Then, they found the plane at the bottom of the ocean, people asked me again. Once again, I told them my children weren’t dead. I would know, I would feel it. ‘They’ll be home you’ll see.’” Sabrina took a breath and wiped her eyes before talking again.
“I knew they would walk through the door any day. I would ask Boone and Shannon for forgiveness for everything I put them through. The days turned into weeks then weeks into months. It was my fault they were on that plane. If I had of done right by both my children, they would be home right now, alive. When I turned on the news and saw there were survivors from Oceanic Flight 815, I knew my children were coming home. I was right they were alive.”
“When my phone rang, I knew it was Boone calling to tell me they were ok and coming home. But it was Oceanic, telling me Shannon never made it off the plane and Boone die shortly after.”
The woman paused and pushed back her tears.
“My children are dead. I never got the chance to tell them I was sorry. I hope when Shannon took her last breath she knew she was loved.” Sabrina placed a white rose on each grave. The priest said the final prayer and people proceeded past the tombstones, each one placing flowers until we were the last people left.
“I’ll wait for you by the car.”
“Thank You.” Nadia handed me the flowers and left us alone.
“Dude, she was loved,” Hurley said, coming to stand next to me. “She was a little crazy but we loved her.” I smiled at that.
“Shannon deserved so much more. I made her cry as much as I made her laugh. I love you, Shannon. I always will.” I laid both bunches of flowers on her grave and walked away. No one stopped me. There was nothing more to say.
LOST ~ End Flashback ~ LOST
I sit down in one of the lounge chairs on the balcony and try to calm myself. It should be no surprise Ben is aware of my visits to see Shannon. I do not really care.
I guess I must have fallen asleep because I suddenly feel someone standing over me. I open my eyes and see Shannon. Her hair blew in the breeze. “So, you ready for that little chat now?”
Allāh help me.
TBC……………………………….. Enter Lost Music here.
Author: As always I thank my co-author and beta. Without them I could have never done this. I want to thank anyone whose took the time out to read my story.